Your mind, it really turns me on…

With expert information from Jimanekia Eborn, Sex Educator and Trauma Specialist

In the weeks following his move to Boston, Kayleigh was shocked to discover that she woke up each morning in a love-sick malaise, pining for his sonorous voice, intellectual patter and recognisable gait.

Giles had left an indelible impression – her inner life was infinitely richer from her time spent with him.

Now that he was no longer in London, Kayleigh had some time to reflect on their intense relationship. There was one particular noun that really resonated. Sapio-sexuality.

She chatted with trauma sexpert Jimanekia Eborn, to learn more about the intellectual connections she often found herself seeking.

“I think a lot of people still may not know that sapio-sexuality is a thing. Before, understanding what sapio-sexuality was. I just thought I had a low tolerance for most people. Then I realised: ‘Oh I just feed better off certain types of interactions.’ You can be the most beautiful and rich individual, but if you have nothing to offer me in the form of conversation, I’m still going to be really bored.’

“Sapio-sexuals are those individuals who are stimulated by intelligence. Yes, they may see someone and think they are visually attractive, but, what really does it for them is someone who is smart – someone who can teach them something new, as well as have a great conversation.

“We live in a time where everyone is so flashy and in competition to be the next-best whatever. Yet, a lot of people are just trying to fit into a mould of who, and what, society wants them to be. Sure, you can buy all the new body parts, new clothes, new houses, new friends, but that doesn’t show anyone who you really are. What does show someone who you really are is your intellect – the depth of a person is so much more because it does not fade over time.”

“If someone is wondering that they may be sapio-sexual there are many signs. Here are a few:

  • Having a deep conversation turns you on.
  • When looking for people to date/sleep with, their salary and status do not matter. It’s about their intellectual capabilities.
  • You love a good debate; the back and forth and the flex of the brain muscles.
  • The more you get to know someone, the more you are attracted to them.
  • Small talk is not your jam. You want that deep conversation and want to know who they are.
  • Foolishness will have you walking away.
  • You are also a great listener. [1]

“Some people see sapio-sexuality as pretentious. Societal norms dictate that we should be excited about all the flashy things, money, cars, status, etc. To those that identify as sapiosexuals, none of that stuff really does it for them. So, some people don’t know how to navigate that. They try to categorise them and put them in a box – and that box is sometimes the pretentious box.

Jimanekia’s advice for people trying to tune into their sapio-sexual side

  • Acknowledge it; first knowing what you are looking for, and who you are can be really helpful with navigating things.
  • Be patient with yourself, because knowledge is power. You may start thinking back on past interactions and think OHHHH, well that makes sense.
  • Go to a place where other people may be similar to you in outlook –book shops, public lectures, and special interested groups are great starting places.
  • Physical attraction can complement sapio-sexual pleasure-seeking activities too. You could arrange a game of strip scrabble with your date, for instance. Or head to a nudist meet-up, where there’s also a focus on intellectual connections.

“I think that identifying as sapiosexual is not for everyone, though. But I wouldn’t like to ever put someone on a sliding scale and say, “so-and-so totally has the capacity for sapio relationships, but so-and-so certainly doesn’t”, because it’s not about that. Sapio relationships are about how you relate to and are attracted to others. I do believe how we define our sexuality evolves as we evolve as individuals.” [2]

Kayleigh decided she was going to spend less time banging and more time intellectualising. Although, knowing KD, this resolution would probably not last long…


[1] Thought Catalog, ‘12 Signs You Are A Sapiosexual — Someone Who Is Physically And Mentally Turned On By Smart People

[2] Trauma Queen, a sexual healing podcast from Jimanekia Eborn

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